epiphany

It’s funny how in an instant your whole way of thinking can change.

You sit there in awe, and wonder to yourself, “How the fuck did I ever used to think like that?”

Taking a step back, you think of all the other things you could’ve failed to realize.

And suddenly, the world is once again restored with endless mystery and opportunity.

I was excited to learn again. I think that’s what keeps us truly young, at heart.

So the story begins…

On what seemed as though just another average day, spent with my at the time boyfriend, something big happened to me.

He was surfing Netfilx, sprawled out across his bed, as I packed a bowl, admiring the gloomy sky outside his window.

He finally found a potentially interesting looking movie, and you could say I was feeling a little extra open minded 😉

so it was a go.

Little did I know, this movie would cause something within to awake.

 

The movie was about an infamous family known for their wild lifestyle, leading to many deaths, of themselves and others. The few that remained told the stories of those family members, and explained their most intense memories and regrets.

Let me elaborate on those who narrated-
many of us would refer to them as “white trash” or “low lives”; they spoke with unintelligent slang and ignorance, explaining that they had no cares for anything else in life, other than their family, and getting wasted as well as wild (= having a good time, ahhh substance abuse).

And I could see why. Their family were the only other people who understood and cared, when everyone else wanted nothing but to steer clear of them-  and for what seemed like good reason, right?

Based off the description above, I’m sure most of you reading would do the same. At the time of watching, I would also agree with this statement. I would avoid these people.

But as the movie went on, a feeling inside of me began to grow.

I want to mention that I think me being high definitely affected these feelings, if not, created them. And this is why I love pot. It makes you see and think about things in a different light.

Thirty minutes in, I was slowly becoming more and more turned off. I could no longer chuckle at their stupidity, as it became painful to watch. It wasn’t enjoyable in the slightest, and in discovering this, I looked over at my boyfriend. He had a small grin on his face, seeming entertained.

In this moment, this feeling literally burst out of me, -in tears.

He sat up in shock, looking at me with utter confusion, “What’s wrong?”

I sat up as well, and just let myself cry. I gave myself time to try and completely understand my feelings, as well as put them into words.

But so many thoughts were running through my mind, it was hard to focus.

 

Watching these people make a fool out of themselves, and it serving as entertainment, sickened me. Moments before, I was reacting the same way- laughing at how ridiculous they and their lives were, and scoffing at the dumb shit falling out of their mouths.

Now I sit, feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself.
What kind of person am I to laugh at this?

It was sad to me that, if this was indeed “reality”, this was someone’s actual life. Worst part is, this shit is everywhere! Reality has taken over cable television, and people fucking eat it up.

How is it that people like them still exist in a world like today?
How is it that up until this moment, I had for so long, not cared and found it humorous?
And how is it that our earlier reactions to such, are what’s common?
This was made solely to entertain.
And it’s just wrong.

This was my first epiphany.

The first intense moment in time that left me just mind blown. That made me wonder, what else am I doing, or partaking in, that’s wrong?

This moment changed me forever.
It changed the way I see everything. The way I process everything in my mind. The way I view myself, and the world.

I’m better than this. People need to realize, we’re better than this. These people in the film, are better than this.

Instead of shutting it off, I insisted that we finish it.
I wanted to watch with these newly discovered feelings, and see what else I could take or learn from it. How it would be different.

As we watched, (uncomfortably, for my boyfriend, hahaha!) I noticed things I hadn’t seen before-
the hurt in their eyes, and the heart in their souls. How they were lost, just as I am, trying to deal with life in the only way they know. Since people left them alone, they were stuck inside this bubble of chaos.
Instead of seeing the bad, I saw the good. The humanity. What I had in common with them. I saw them as myself, and instead of feeling separate, I felt as one.

Yeah, we had differences, obviously.
But they were human just I as was. I am not better, just healthier, as far as my state of mind, and understanding of the world around me. I was given certain resources, and was lucky in that way… If they were just offered the same resources as I…

They are just as capable as I am.

And by avoiding them, we are also the problem. By standing by, and only caring about ourselves, the problem remains.

 

I found a new hope and love for humanity.
A new understanding. I feel like media separates us. It spreads negativity, emptiness, and flawed information. I want to reinvent media.

I want to somehow spread realizations like these in appealing, loving ways, that anyone could understand and take to heart. But that’s the hard part.

Getting people interested, getting people to care.

Well, I want people to wake up. All people.
And we all can do it. I know we can.

I feel it, inside of me. I woke up.

And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I have never desired something more, in my life.

Slowly, in these epiphanies, I find another piece to the puzzle.

The feeling that comes with them consumes me. It’s unlike anything. It is the ultimate.

And the best part, is it always remains the same, and is always just as strong, and moving as before. In these moments, I feel truly alive.

What I’m lacking is people in my life that inspire me, and help me dig deeper. Who take interest in truth, and making the world a better place.

I feel like that’s what’s holding me back, if anything. I need a team.

I can only do so much on my own…and will do so if need be, but great minds like yourself could really help it take off quicker.

I value (you will never know how much) your thoughts, and feelings.

 

Showerin’

Today, just like any other day, I was going about my business in the shower.

Washing my hair, scrubbing my skin with soap, and finally coating my legs with shaving cream. Trying to shave with speed so I could get the hell out already, and finish getting ready for the day. Oh, to be a girl.

As i began to shave, i began to ponder about what i was really doing. Showering to be hygienic is something that makes obvious sense, and keeps us as human beings healthy in many ways. But shaving my legs?

I wouldn’t consider smooth legs a part of getting clean…so why the fuck am I spending so much time in here doing so?

Hmm…as i continued to shave, my thoughts grew deeper. To be shaved as a woman is to be a ‘lady’ and is viewed as attractive, and a social norm. Women, although born with hairy legs, armpits, etc, are supposed to shave in order to be perceived as feminine, and attractive. “Girls are supposed to be smooth.” Shit like that.

Who created these ideas? I’d love to know, because personally, shaving is annoying, at times painful, and a huge waste of my time. I would truly enjoy questioning this person as to why this ever came about.

Those who judge others, or are disgusted with NATURAL hair on the female body needs to take a step back and question their emotions and judgement.

For so long I have followed these social norms without question, and right now, as i’m writing this, feel stupid for wasting so much time blindly participating in such.

How much time have I wasted in the shower shaving myself to be viewed as attractive?
Apparently, we spend 72 days of our lives shaving. Freakin’ Google it.

How unfair is it that women are frowned upon if hairy, and JUDGED by men who walk around with their uncontrollable, extreme (compared to that of mine) hair? It disgusts me. But let’s not forget to mention the fact that women judge other women, as well.

I once had a close guy friend tell me, “You should shave your arms…and knuckles. They’re pretty hairy.” As he said this I felt myself blush out of embarrassment and shock, and at the same time, grow to be insulted and pissed off. This friend of mine was loud, and always spoke his mind, whether it be positive or negative.

I’d always admired that, because at least then I actually knew what he was thinking. He was real, and rather than go behind your back, would say it to your face. So at the same time, I was glad he said it.

All of these emotions and thoughts triggered off of my body hair?

Ridiculous.

This experience at the time didn’t hold too much significance, but did stir up some pretty intense emotions…although, I never spent time to try and understand why.

So why, then?

I was also someone who just accepted it, and followed without question. I’m not writing this to force my beliefs on anyone, but rather ponder about, and at least see my point of view. We need to learn to use our minds.

We need to be able to see shaving for what it really is- a warped perception of what’s ‘attractive’ in today’s weird world. I almost want to purposely not shave, to weed out all the morons who think this way…but don’t know if I have the confidence.

This i do know though, those who judge women on this topic need to open their minds, and see passed society’s bullshit idea of what is ‘beautiful’. As far as I’m concerned, beauty is being healthy- on all levels.

 

Physically, intellectually, emotionally, socially, the list goes on.

Why not replace the time we spend in the shower shaving ourselves with time spent trying to better ourselves, on these levels? That’s what important.

And those who continue to put someone down, or judge based on something that is natural, (as well as a part of them!) are also wasting their time.

I have found myself questioning all that i ever viewed as physically attractive…

All i have to say is wow. How shallow is this world?

We as human beings have been around how long, and still have these kinds of ideas?

We need to break free. We need to question all that we were raised to accept as normal. The word ‘normal’ makes me chuckle.

Someone please define what ‘normal’ is, right now. I can only imagine the ignorant answers I’d receive…NORMAL DOESN’T EXIST GUYZ

Friends, enemies, all of humanity…Let’s expand our minds. Let’s all grow, separately and together. With our own personal ideas, and thoughts, without shutting one another out.

We need to open ourselves beyond our own beliefs and traditions, to truly understand
ourselves and each other, as well as the world we live in today.

Once we do so, I truly believe it will become a better place for every single one of us,
as different as we are. I think our differences are beautiful, especially when it comes to thought.

So let’s focus on sharing our real beauty with one another, with open minds. I bet I could learn so much from those of you reading right now, with your own thoughts stirring about. I would love to hear, whether you agree or not. I value your thoughts.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means so much to me.

Stay hairy, ladies. Hairy…and hygienic.

(Update: I wrote this a few months ago, and since then have not shaved my legs once. I proudly strut around with the breeze blowing my leg hairs about, for all to see.)

Let’s Change the World, Forreal.

what do i want to be known for?

if i were to die right in this moment, pictures would be something that represented my life. i look through these and appreciate the memories; i see myself laughing with friends at parties, i see the birthday dinner my mom insisted on making for me, i see my cat laying blissfully in the sun- all of these moments being simple pleasures…and such that i genuinely appreciate.

but as time goes on, they fade, and i long for greater significance… I want to be seen for my mind. and i realize, the way i see myself in such pictures is not how i want to be remembered.
the friends I surround myself with, i love, and yet i still find myself yearning for more. more depth, meaning, knowledge that could change the world. a relationship that sparks thought and creates; desires real change for the world. i have yet to see this spark in another human being…at least not at the level i feel burning inside of myself.
i want to grow to be something. the way the world is going at this rate…serious change is ahead, and i’d guess not too far away. i can almost sense it.

one day this planet will die, just as i will.

it’s the cycle of life, and is inevitable. our main goal as a human race should be to focus on progression while acknowledging the dangers of doing just that. with any valuable knowledge comes danger.
danger that could easily wipe all of us, and this earth out, for good. we have one shot. we all have inner potential to be whatever the fuck we want to, and yet we settle for a life of ignorance and ignore the problems that truly matter?

I can’t go through life pretending all is well; there are issues and ideas bigger than me that need ridiculous amounts of attention. i cannot go on knowing i’m not contributing or at least progressing as a person, it’s a waste of life and leaves me feeling empty.
why do you think all of us are so damn unhappy all the time?

we’re force fed the idea that we all have to settle for what is. without thought or question, we accept all that we’re told to do. get a job, start a family, follow gender roles and social norms, stay stuck in certain beliefs we hold as right; moneymoneymoney.

we eat food we know is unhealthy for us, which ultimately will probably be our downfall. there are signs in Taco Bell stating that their food may be cancerous! and yet we still decide to eat there because it’s quick, cheap, and convenient. it’s disgusting… and yet, such a huge part of most of our lives.

we’re stuck in this fast paced, unhealthy, empty and stressful routine, and for what? just to get by?

most of us are scared to act out of the ordinary; if you’re creative, and have a passionate imagination you’re viewed as impractical and silly. let me just say that i often look silly, and am damn proud of it. i may not always be recognized or fully understood by my peers in the way that i desire most, but if anything, that just drives me even further to pursue these thoughts and make them a reality.

show everyone and myself that i’m capable, and that everyone else on this earth is as well, just as much. if we could just quit fussing over differences, and realize that we are one, the same but different…
and oh, how beautiful each and every one of us are…

i can only imagine how much faster and more efficient we would progress as a civilization. we have one shot, let me remind you. i know we all like to pretend we’ll never die, and this world will always be here, but the fact of the matter is pushing these issues aside is not only selfish, but shameful.

we all need to rise up for the greater good and create. overcome this rut we’ve been in for so long and see what it is that is lacking. not necessarily in one another, but the world, our day to day “life”, and in ourselves as well.

because what i see in every single person is unique, beautiful potential. yes, sometimes it’s much harder to see in others, but if you’re patient, and loving despite any negativity, you will see it.

we need to open our minds passed our own beliefs- (in the end, what do we receive in believing that our way is the right way, anyway? nothing. we’re actually losing what we could learn from otherwise, which helps mold us into a more cultured, open version of one self.) -and see that the world, on the path that it’s on now, is doomed.

it’s doomed either way, but the better we can conserve it the more time we have, and the more chance we have at reaching new levels of intelligence, which can make continuing our race a possibility.
let’s face it, we’re gonna have to pick up and move to another planet eventually.

i passionately loathe this culture. it does nothing but fill us with distractions, whilst our corrupt government grows more powerful. and we just walk around blindfolded, not the slightest bit interested in what actually matters.

open your fucking eyes and see that we need to rid ourselves of all this corruption. or at least begin with being aware, the giving-a-shit hopefully will come afterwards. …hopefully.
we’re so easily manipulated into believing whatever it may be, and simply settle with this idea of what a life should be. this isn’t a life; it’s not even reality. it’s an empty dream world created to distract.

wake up.

realize that every single one of us has a chance, and chances are we have been doing nothing but selfishly wasting time. the best thing we can do in a lifetime is leave behind a better world. leave a bright future with a real chance at survival, and creation. encourage self realization as well as how utterly important it is to get involved.
if only it were easier to get involved…this is where i’m currently stuck, and it’s eating at me. i’m ready to create change but don’t have the slightest fucking idea as to how to even start. i think that in itself shows how misguided and lost we are. such exploration and information should be everyone’s number one focus…

the saddest part is most people go their whole lives without ever realizing this. such a waste of potential, and true beauty. be someone who inspires others, who is truly beautiful for their mind, and soul. who is admirable on the deepest of levels. we all love to be inspired, we all love to love… although most don’t even know what love really is.

“fuck love.”-because they were betrayed by someone they once cared about.

“i love you”-after a month of dating.

people haven’t the slightest clue as to what really loving is. instead we blame it when someone breaks our heart; we throw the word around and it loses its significance. i think once we learn its true meaning, we then learn how to love ourselves, and this planet, and why it’s essentially the most important thing ever known to man.

love is universal, we just express it in different ways.

up until i turned 19 i didn’t give a fuck about this planet.

i’d litter and say “well i’m not going to be here when it all turns to shit anyway, so why even preserve it?” it baffles me that i was once genuinely thought and acted this way.

from extreme pessimism, to optimism, i changed the way i saw the world and those who inhabited it, and changed my way of thinking.
the longer we’re set in one way of thinking, the harder it is to change, but it’s never impossible. break the habits now. although a constant struggle, your whole life as you know it will drastically change, for the better. that’s why it’s best to start now, and look deep within.

try and understand yourself.

one relationship i’ve noticed all sorts of people neglect is the one with their self. when we focus so much time into others, we forget that reflection and alone time is vital to becoming the better person we all long to be. often times we lose ourselves in others…and forget how to stand on our own.

your relationship with yourself should hold the highest of importance.

our flaws, our negative habits, it all has reason. if we’d just devote time to understand… once we grasp why, change is much easier to implement.

change is good, friends. let’s change this world.

Awake.

How do people usually begin these things? Ah screw it. I’m making my own rules.

Hello to whoever is reading this! I wonder what kind of tone I’m putting off right now…people always sound so different over the internet…Anywho, if ya can’t tell already, this is my first blog. Why should you care? Most probably won’t, but I’m hoping to reach maybe a few of you out there.  Whether that be one or one million, it would give my life some real meaning. I named my blog “Ramblez” because as you can see, I run off on tangents and most of the time forget what I was talking about in the first place.

Okay…time to focus.

Let me start by telling you a little about myself. You can call me by my username, awake93.

I’m choosing to keep my identity anon, particularly because I want all focus on my words, and the thought behind them. I just recently started writing again, solely to record my thoughts and feelings, for myself. It’s a way to organize and get it all out, which helps me understand myself, and the world as I see it. It’s also much easier to hold onto the crazy amount of thought constantly racing around in my head. The worst feeling is to lose or forget a thought you feel passionately about.

As you already know, thanks to my oh so clever username, I’m 20 years of age (not that it’s relevant)…and I’m also a female. Other than that, I see no need in explaining anything along those lines further. All of that is shallow, really. I’m here to create some depth! Share my most personal inner thoughts and questions, but most importantly, provoke thought in that brain of yours.

Let’s jump on in.

My life was put into perspective when I experienced a moment of true self realization, which changed everything for me. It changed the way I think, and see the world… It changed me. I realized that for so long I walked through life asleep. Accepting what is, as fucked up as it is, and not even thinking to question it. Living in my own little world, full of meaningless, insignificant crap. I always had this sense of emptiness, and never understood why, up until this experience. I’ll go further into depth in future posts, but you get the general gist of it.

As a result, I strive to be open minded, and positive, while at the same time realistic. I welcome all experiences as a challenge and new way of growth. I battle my old, negative ways of thinking everyday, and always question. I do all of this to become someone who is well equipped and ready to take on the world…this empty, corrupt, soon to be doomed, damn beautiful, world. This world needs help, guys.

Wake up.