epiphany

It’s funny how in an instant your whole way of thinking can change.

You sit there in awe, and wonder to yourself, “How the fuck did I ever used to think like that?”

Taking a step back, you think of all the other things you could’ve failed to realize.

And suddenly, the world is once again restored with endless mystery and opportunity.

I was excited to learn again. I think that’s what keeps us truly young, at heart.

So the story begins…

On what seemed as though just another average day, spent with my at the time boyfriend, something big happened to me.

He was surfing Netfilx, sprawled out across his bed, as I packed a bowl, admiring the gloomy sky outside his window.

He finally found a potentially interesting looking movie, and you could say I was feeling a little extra open minded 😉

so it was a go.

Little did I know, this movie would cause something within to awake.

 

The movie was about an infamous family known for their wild lifestyle, leading to many deaths, of themselves and others. The few that remained told the stories of those family members, and explained their most intense memories and regrets.

Let me elaborate on those who narrated-
many of us would refer to them as “white trash” or “low lives”; they spoke with unintelligent slang and ignorance, explaining that they had no cares for anything else in life, other than their family, and getting wasted as well as wild (= having a good time, ahhh substance abuse).

And I could see why. Their family were the only other people who understood and cared, when everyone else wanted nothing but to steer clear of them-  and for what seemed like good reason, right?

Based off the description above, I’m sure most of you reading would do the same. At the time of watching, I would also agree with this statement. I would avoid these people.

But as the movie went on, a feeling inside of me began to grow.

I want to mention that I think me being high definitely affected these feelings, if not, created them. And this is why I love pot. It makes you see and think about things in a different light.

Thirty minutes in, I was slowly becoming more and more turned off. I could no longer chuckle at their stupidity, as it became painful to watch. It wasn’t enjoyable in the slightest, and in discovering this, I looked over at my boyfriend. He had a small grin on his face, seeming entertained.

In this moment, this feeling literally burst out of me, -in tears.

He sat up in shock, looking at me with utter confusion, “What’s wrong?”

I sat up as well, and just let myself cry. I gave myself time to try and completely understand my feelings, as well as put them into words.

But so many thoughts were running through my mind, it was hard to focus.

 

Watching these people make a fool out of themselves, and it serving as entertainment, sickened me. Moments before, I was reacting the same way- laughing at how ridiculous they and their lives were, and scoffing at the dumb shit falling out of their mouths.

Now I sit, feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself.
What kind of person am I to laugh at this?

It was sad to me that, if this was indeed “reality”, this was someone’s actual life. Worst part is, this shit is everywhere! Reality has taken over cable television, and people fucking eat it up.

How is it that people like them still exist in a world like today?
How is it that up until this moment, I had for so long, not cared and found it humorous?
And how is it that our earlier reactions to such, are what’s common?
This was made solely to entertain.
And it’s just wrong.

This was my first epiphany.

The first intense moment in time that left me just mind blown. That made me wonder, what else am I doing, or partaking in, that’s wrong?

This moment changed me forever.
It changed the way I see everything. The way I process everything in my mind. The way I view myself, and the world.

I’m better than this. People need to realize, we’re better than this. These people in the film, are better than this.

Instead of shutting it off, I insisted that we finish it.
I wanted to watch with these newly discovered feelings, and see what else I could take or learn from it. How it would be different.

As we watched, (uncomfortably, for my boyfriend, hahaha!) I noticed things I hadn’t seen before-
the hurt in their eyes, and the heart in their souls. How they were lost, just as I am, trying to deal with life in the only way they know. Since people left them alone, they were stuck inside this bubble of chaos.
Instead of seeing the bad, I saw the good. The humanity. What I had in common with them. I saw them as myself, and instead of feeling separate, I felt as one.

Yeah, we had differences, obviously.
But they were human just I as was. I am not better, just healthier, as far as my state of mind, and understanding of the world around me. I was given certain resources, and was lucky in that way… If they were just offered the same resources as I…

They are just as capable as I am.

And by avoiding them, we are also the problem. By standing by, and only caring about ourselves, the problem remains.

 

I found a new hope and love for humanity.
A new understanding. I feel like media separates us. It spreads negativity, emptiness, and flawed information. I want to reinvent media.

I want to somehow spread realizations like these in appealing, loving ways, that anyone could understand and take to heart. But that’s the hard part.

Getting people interested, getting people to care.

Well, I want people to wake up. All people.
And we all can do it. I know we can.

I feel it, inside of me. I woke up.

And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I have never desired something more, in my life.

Slowly, in these epiphanies, I find another piece to the puzzle.

The feeling that comes with them consumes me. It’s unlike anything. It is the ultimate.

And the best part, is it always remains the same, and is always just as strong, and moving as before. In these moments, I feel truly alive.

What I’m lacking is people in my life that inspire me, and help me dig deeper. Who take interest in truth, and making the world a better place.

I feel like that’s what’s holding me back, if anything. I need a team.

I can only do so much on my own…and will do so if need be, but great minds like yourself could really help it take off quicker.

I value (you will never know how much) your thoughts, and feelings.

 

Just a thought

Most people my age are always looking for someone to get involved with.

Love is amazing, and makes life worthwhile. Without it, what would we have? Love is everything.

But what people don’t realize is that you have to love yourself before you can fully love another. Everyone is running around like a chicken with their fucking head cut off, trying so hard to no longer be “forever alone.”

I hate these over used, stupid ass phrases, by the way. They’re ridiculous.

…and we are always “forever alone” regardless of whether or not we are involved with another. Just sayin’.

I feel as though people want so badly to be involved with someone to fill a void within. To have someone to make us feel better about ourselves, and care. To be loved for what we are.

We need to learn that this is something we need to do on our own.

For the longest time, I would fantasize about the day true love would become a reality, and complete me. I always had this empty feeling, and never knew why. Love is the only thing that made sense to me.

I never experienced it at the time, but would see it all around me. I’d lose myself in good film, music, books.. and just sit in this overwhelming pool of excitement, waiting for the day it’d finally be mine…

and then I fell in love. It was beautiful, real, and emotional. It consumed me.

But something was still missing.

I wasn’t ready to settle down. Is this really it? All there is?

That pit inside of me, although smaller, still ached.

Two years in, I began to feel something I didn’t understand. A longing for something.

Something just wasn’t right…It’s like I knew that it was coming, and for so long I would just push the feeling away. I didn’t want to deal with it.

But it was growing with time, to the point where ignoring it was no longer an option.

Then I finally understood:

I needed to be alone.

The relationship eventually ended. Not because it wasn’t true, but because I realized I’m not fully ready to love another, because of all the things I needed to take care of, and learn on my own.

I needed to learn how to stand on my own.

I needed to learn to love myself.

To love life outside of him.

Ironically, loving him is what brought me this understanding.

It changed me, and made me want to be better. Become something more. Strive to understand my flaws, and express them in positive, healthy ways.

And the way I went about relationships was not healthy. That person became my whole world.

All I cared about, thought about, and this by choice.

I think once I’m in a place where I am able to stand on my own, and have things I love outside of a relationship, I will be ready.

But oh, was I so lucky to have fallen for the person I did.

It hurts because I appreciate him more than words. Who he is, and what he has done for me. It was something patient, and understanding. He always had my best interests at heart. Always cared and stuck around despite my confusion with myself.

He is the most beautiful person I have met.

I wanted to keep him forever, but we don’t always get what we want. Since what we had was different, it just proved to be too much, without the title. At least for him.

I am totally complicated, guys. So I don’t blame him.

I miss you. A part of me will always love you.

And that’s true love. It sticks with you throughout the rest of your life.

So everyone needs to knock it off, already. Quit trying so hard to look appealing to others, and instead, become someone who is appealing to YOU! For your damn self.

Learn to be happy on your own, outside of ANY relationship you may have in your life. Never rely on another to make you happy.

Make yourself happy.

Wake up.

i wanted to keep you

you were my best friend
the one i turned to
when things went right
and when shit got rough
my deepest thoughts
that most times even i didn’t understand

you always listened
and didn’t run
when i was complicated
why can’t i keep you?

i understand things are different now
i get it.
i guess i’m just weird
for still caring
and thinking you’d actually
remain significant in my life

silly me
to think what we had was different
and strong enough
to survive this

this is the end
of you and i

i won’t fight the memories
but instead lose myself
in their beauty
even though it hurts

in this moment
i still feel the unique spark
you lit inside of me
and grew to love
more than anything i ever knew
the sounds and smells, and sunsets, and the real moments
that left me fucking breathless
dreaming of our future
we swore we’d build together

your long eyelashes blink at me
that smile now spreading across your face
that i didn’t do anything to deserve

existing was enough

that fucking smile
that left me feeling light
and like i could do anything

but i realize now,
that what you left behind
is a better me
someone who wants to be better

than i used to be

i feel like i can do anything

Dream of Me

I will not show you my face,

but instead

allow your mind to create your own version of me.

We all do it

Meet someone and hope they are this way or that way

Create someone they could be

The mystery pulling me in

and filling me with hope

that always ends in disappointment.

Feeling selfish for hoping they would be

the version of them, that i like best

in my mind.

I wonder what I look like, to you.

If you were to see me, would you have me all figured out?

Do we ever truly figure anyone out?

What do I look like in your mind?

Am I someone you like?

Will you dream of me tonight?

I wonder what I look like, in your mind.

Showerin’

Today, just like any other day, I was going about my business in the shower.

Washing my hair, scrubbing my skin with soap, and finally coating my legs with shaving cream. Trying to shave with speed so I could get the hell out already, and finish getting ready for the day. Oh, to be a girl.

As i began to shave, i began to ponder about what i was really doing. Showering to be hygienic is something that makes obvious sense, and keeps us as human beings healthy in many ways. But shaving my legs?

I wouldn’t consider smooth legs a part of getting clean…so why the fuck am I spending so much time in here doing so?

Hmm…as i continued to shave, my thoughts grew deeper. To be shaved as a woman is to be a ‘lady’ and is viewed as attractive, and a social norm. Women, although born with hairy legs, armpits, etc, are supposed to shave in order to be perceived as feminine, and attractive. “Girls are supposed to be smooth.” Shit like that.

Who created these ideas? I’d love to know, because personally, shaving is annoying, at times painful, and a huge waste of my time. I would truly enjoy questioning this person as to why this ever came about.

Those who judge others, or are disgusted with NATURAL hair on the female body needs to take a step back and question their emotions and judgement.

For so long I have followed these social norms without question, and right now, as i’m writing this, feel stupid for wasting so much time blindly participating in such.

How much time have I wasted in the shower shaving myself to be viewed as attractive?
Apparently, we spend 72 days of our lives shaving. Freakin’ Google it.

How unfair is it that women are frowned upon if hairy, and JUDGED by men who walk around with their uncontrollable, extreme (compared to that of mine) hair? It disgusts me. But let’s not forget to mention the fact that women judge other women, as well.

I once had a close guy friend tell me, “You should shave your arms…and knuckles. They’re pretty hairy.” As he said this I felt myself blush out of embarrassment and shock, and at the same time, grow to be insulted and pissed off. This friend of mine was loud, and always spoke his mind, whether it be positive or negative.

I’d always admired that, because at least then I actually knew what he was thinking. He was real, and rather than go behind your back, would say it to your face. So at the same time, I was glad he said it.

All of these emotions and thoughts triggered off of my body hair?

Ridiculous.

This experience at the time didn’t hold too much significance, but did stir up some pretty intense emotions…although, I never spent time to try and understand why.

So why, then?

I was also someone who just accepted it, and followed without question. I’m not writing this to force my beliefs on anyone, but rather ponder about, and at least see my point of view. We need to learn to use our minds.

We need to be able to see shaving for what it really is- a warped perception of what’s ‘attractive’ in today’s weird world. I almost want to purposely not shave, to weed out all the morons who think this way…but don’t know if I have the confidence.

This i do know though, those who judge women on this topic need to open their minds, and see passed society’s bullshit idea of what is ‘beautiful’. As far as I’m concerned, beauty is being healthy- on all levels.

 

Physically, intellectually, emotionally, socially, the list goes on.

Why not replace the time we spend in the shower shaving ourselves with time spent trying to better ourselves, on these levels? That’s what important.

And those who continue to put someone down, or judge based on something that is natural, (as well as a part of them!) are also wasting their time.

I have found myself questioning all that i ever viewed as physically attractive…

All i have to say is wow. How shallow is this world?

We as human beings have been around how long, and still have these kinds of ideas?

We need to break free. We need to question all that we were raised to accept as normal. The word ‘normal’ makes me chuckle.

Someone please define what ‘normal’ is, right now. I can only imagine the ignorant answers I’d receive…NORMAL DOESN’T EXIST GUYZ

Friends, enemies, all of humanity…Let’s expand our minds. Let’s all grow, separately and together. With our own personal ideas, and thoughts, without shutting one another out.

We need to open ourselves beyond our own beliefs and traditions, to truly understand
ourselves and each other, as well as the world we live in today.

Once we do so, I truly believe it will become a better place for every single one of us,
as different as we are. I think our differences are beautiful, especially when it comes to thought.

So let’s focus on sharing our real beauty with one another, with open minds. I bet I could learn so much from those of you reading right now, with your own thoughts stirring about. I would love to hear, whether you agree or not. I value your thoughts.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means so much to me.

Stay hairy, ladies. Hairy…and hygienic.

(Update: I wrote this a few months ago, and since then have not shaved my legs once. I proudly strut around with the breeze blowing my leg hairs about, for all to see.)

Miley fucking Cyrus.

How many times have we heard her name since the VMA’s?

A shit fucking ton.
I’d say I’ve heard her name enough for a lifetime.

…but others seem as though they just can’t get enough.

It’s sad to me that obnoxious celebrities degrading themselves on national television still holds so much of our attention. This is not the first time we’ve seen this shit.
And yet we still choose to create so much hype.
Which, by the way, is exactly what she wants.
People choose to spend their time watching it, and then posting and talking about it everywhere they go…social networks blowing up with this filth.
It’s everywhere I go.

I would be much happier never hearing about it at all, but that’s near impossible in the world we live in today.

I choose not to watch it, not to waste any of my words or fucking breath, not even a thought…but this decision wasn’t enough to keep me from it.

I didn’t even have a damn choice.
So many better things deserve our attention. I can’t help but feel sorry for those who choose to fill their lives entertaining this garbage. It’s pathetic and disgusting that it got any attention at all – negative or not.
Miley Cyrus’ ass is irrelevant.

I can’t escape it.
Some of my own friends play into it, and I sit there in awe.
But let’s face it. Even intelligent, decent people do partake in the bullshit. After all, it is a large part of our ‘culture’…I guess. Or so some say.

So as if my friends weren’t enough,
…my teacher brings it up in class today!

She’s probably in her late sixties and teaches a humanities class that focuses on culture in America. This was our first class, and one of the first examples brought up relating to our culture was none other than my girl, Miley.

Miley Cyrus = our culture? *barfs*

“Miley Cyrus is representing us as Americans.”
I instantly disagreed, passionately.
Yes, she is right to an extent. Other people may generalize us as Americans because of Miley’s behavior. But what it really comes down to is…

We as Americans represent OURSELVES by choosing to make trash such a large part of our lives.
Miley Cyrus is free to grind on some mainstream bullshit artist if she wishes, and I could give two fucks about it.
We represent ourselves with what we post, talk about, and choose to focus on.

We need to realize that we have the power to decide what deserves our attention.
Let’s cut this shit out of our lives, and take away the empty, shameful power it has over America. If this is our “culture” I’m personally embarrassed and disgusted.

Let’s represent something more than this. We are more than this.

Wake up.