epiphany

It’s funny how in an instant your whole way of thinking can change.

You sit there in awe, and wonder to yourself, “How the fuck did I ever used to think like that?”

Taking a step back, you think of all the other things you could’ve failed to realize.

And suddenly, the world is once again restored with endless mystery and opportunity.

I was excited to learn again. I think that’s what keeps us truly young, at heart.

So the story begins…

On what seemed as though just another average day, spent with my at the time boyfriend, something big happened to me.

He was surfing Netfilx, sprawled out across his bed, as I packed a bowl, admiring the gloomy sky outside his window.

He finally found a potentially interesting looking movie, and you could say I was feeling a little extra open minded 😉

so it was a go.

Little did I know, this movie would cause something within to awake.

 

The movie was about an infamous family known for their wild lifestyle, leading to many deaths, of themselves and others. The few that remained told the stories of those family members, and explained their most intense memories and regrets.

Let me elaborate on those who narrated-
many of us would refer to them as “white trash” or “low lives”; they spoke with unintelligent slang and ignorance, explaining that they had no cares for anything else in life, other than their family, and getting wasted as well as wild (= having a good time, ahhh substance abuse).

And I could see why. Their family were the only other people who understood and cared, when everyone else wanted nothing but to steer clear of them-  and for what seemed like good reason, right?

Based off the description above, I’m sure most of you reading would do the same. At the time of watching, I would also agree with this statement. I would avoid these people.

But as the movie went on, a feeling inside of me began to grow.

I want to mention that I think me being high definitely affected these feelings, if not, created them. And this is why I love pot. It makes you see and think about things in a different light.

Thirty minutes in, I was slowly becoming more and more turned off. I could no longer chuckle at their stupidity, as it became painful to watch. It wasn’t enjoyable in the slightest, and in discovering this, I looked over at my boyfriend. He had a small grin on his face, seeming entertained.

In this moment, this feeling literally burst out of me, -in tears.

He sat up in shock, looking at me with utter confusion, “What’s wrong?”

I sat up as well, and just let myself cry. I gave myself time to try and completely understand my feelings, as well as put them into words.

But so many thoughts were running through my mind, it was hard to focus.

 

Watching these people make a fool out of themselves, and it serving as entertainment, sickened me. Moments before, I was reacting the same way- laughing at how ridiculous they and their lives were, and scoffing at the dumb shit falling out of their mouths.

Now I sit, feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself.
What kind of person am I to laugh at this?

It was sad to me that, if this was indeed “reality”, this was someone’s actual life. Worst part is, this shit is everywhere! Reality has taken over cable television, and people fucking eat it up.

How is it that people like them still exist in a world like today?
How is it that up until this moment, I had for so long, not cared and found it humorous?
And how is it that our earlier reactions to such, are what’s common?
This was made solely to entertain.
And it’s just wrong.

This was my first epiphany.

The first intense moment in time that left me just mind blown. That made me wonder, what else am I doing, or partaking in, that’s wrong?

This moment changed me forever.
It changed the way I see everything. The way I process everything in my mind. The way I view myself, and the world.

I’m better than this. People need to realize, we’re better than this. These people in the film, are better than this.

Instead of shutting it off, I insisted that we finish it.
I wanted to watch with these newly discovered feelings, and see what else I could take or learn from it. How it would be different.

As we watched, (uncomfortably, for my boyfriend, hahaha!) I noticed things I hadn’t seen before-
the hurt in their eyes, and the heart in their souls. How they were lost, just as I am, trying to deal with life in the only way they know. Since people left them alone, they were stuck inside this bubble of chaos.
Instead of seeing the bad, I saw the good. The humanity. What I had in common with them. I saw them as myself, and instead of feeling separate, I felt as one.

Yeah, we had differences, obviously.
But they were human just I as was. I am not better, just healthier, as far as my state of mind, and understanding of the world around me. I was given certain resources, and was lucky in that way… If they were just offered the same resources as I…

They are just as capable as I am.

And by avoiding them, we are also the problem. By standing by, and only caring about ourselves, the problem remains.

 

I found a new hope and love for humanity.
A new understanding. I feel like media separates us. It spreads negativity, emptiness, and flawed information. I want to reinvent media.

I want to somehow spread realizations like these in appealing, loving ways, that anyone could understand and take to heart. But that’s the hard part.

Getting people interested, getting people to care.

Well, I want people to wake up. All people.
And we all can do it. I know we can.

I feel it, inside of me. I woke up.

And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I have never desired something more, in my life.

Slowly, in these epiphanies, I find another piece to the puzzle.

The feeling that comes with them consumes me. It’s unlike anything. It is the ultimate.

And the best part, is it always remains the same, and is always just as strong, and moving as before. In these moments, I feel truly alive.

What I’m lacking is people in my life that inspire me, and help me dig deeper. Who take interest in truth, and making the world a better place.

I feel like that’s what’s holding me back, if anything. I need a team.

I can only do so much on my own…and will do so if need be, but great minds like yourself could really help it take off quicker.

I value (you will never know how much) your thoughts, and feelings.

 

Just a thought

Most people my age are always looking for someone to get involved with.

Love is amazing, and makes life worthwhile. Without it, what would we have? Love is everything.

But what people don’t realize is that you have to love yourself before you can fully love another. Everyone is running around like a chicken with their fucking head cut off, trying so hard to no longer be “forever alone.”

I hate these over used, stupid ass phrases, by the way. They’re ridiculous.

…and we are always “forever alone” regardless of whether or not we are involved with another. Just sayin’.

I feel as though people want so badly to be involved with someone to fill a void within. To have someone to make us feel better about ourselves, and care. To be loved for what we are.

We need to learn that this is something we need to do on our own.

For the longest time, I would fantasize about the day true love would become a reality, and complete me. I always had this empty feeling, and never knew why. Love is the only thing that made sense to me.

I never experienced it at the time, but would see it all around me. I’d lose myself in good film, music, books.. and just sit in this overwhelming pool of excitement, waiting for the day it’d finally be mine…

and then I fell in love. It was beautiful, real, and emotional. It consumed me.

But something was still missing.

I wasn’t ready to settle down. Is this really it? All there is?

That pit inside of me, although smaller, still ached.

Two years in, I began to feel something I didn’t understand. A longing for something.

Something just wasn’t right…It’s like I knew that it was coming, and for so long I would just push the feeling away. I didn’t want to deal with it.

But it was growing with time, to the point where ignoring it was no longer an option.

Then I finally understood:

I needed to be alone.

The relationship eventually ended. Not because it wasn’t true, but because I realized I’m not fully ready to love another, because of all the things I needed to take care of, and learn on my own.

I needed to learn how to stand on my own.

I needed to learn to love myself.

To love life outside of him.

Ironically, loving him is what brought me this understanding.

It changed me, and made me want to be better. Become something more. Strive to understand my flaws, and express them in positive, healthy ways.

And the way I went about relationships was not healthy. That person became my whole world.

All I cared about, thought about, and this by choice.

I think once I’m in a place where I am able to stand on my own, and have things I love outside of a relationship, I will be ready.

But oh, was I so lucky to have fallen for the person I did.

It hurts because I appreciate him more than words. Who he is, and what he has done for me. It was something patient, and understanding. He always had my best interests at heart. Always cared and stuck around despite my confusion with myself.

He is the most beautiful person I have met.

I wanted to keep him forever, but we don’t always get what we want. Since what we had was different, it just proved to be too much, without the title. At least for him.

I am totally complicated, guys. So I don’t blame him.

I miss you. A part of me will always love you.

And that’s true love. It sticks with you throughout the rest of your life.

So everyone needs to knock it off, already. Quit trying so hard to look appealing to others, and instead, become someone who is appealing to YOU! For your damn self.

Learn to be happy on your own, outside of ANY relationship you may have in your life. Never rely on another to make you happy.

Make yourself happy.

Wake up.